Being obsessive-compulsive is something I struggle with every day. I have a way to do things that doesn't revolve around the norm. I kind of march to my own drum - the drum that misses one beat or seven every once in a while and leaves the rest of the band with incredulous looks on their faces, asking "who the f*** are you?"
Lately, this obsessive-compulsive behavior has had a different effect on my life. Instead of engaging in the typical organization-type behavior, I find myself unable to control even the simplest of urges. This could be related to my need to watch every episode of America's Next Top Model on a Sunday afternoon or my need to fulfill the extreme craving for a disgusting meal of Taco Bell or a delicious one at Mix Express. It's like, when I get a craving or an interest in something, nothing can stop me - not anyone else, or my conscience or the knowledge that I'm going to feel like shit afterward.
It is like this with the relationships I engage in, as well. When I get into one, it's like crack. I can't get enough, I have cravings that need to be satisfied and it leads me to believe that it will never be enough.
Then it is.
I break it off, get really sad, then crave it like crack again. It's a sickness...a way to completely undermine any decision I have actually made. My mom says you have to make a decision and then be confident enough in that decision to allow yourself the comfort in the outcome. I counter this with, "what if you're a complete psycho and incapable of making decisions that matter?"
I guess until I figure out a way to make decisions, then stick with them, I will continue being a part of the band line that misses a beat every once in a while, or throughout an entire performance. Either way, the decisions will have to wait until I regain some sort of composure.
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