Snuggles

The first night I stayed with S, it was the beginning of the New Year. Not just the beginning, but an hour after the clock struck midnight and my friends and I lit sparklers and listened to all the fireworks exploding across the City of the Crosses. After a sweet text from him that read "Can't wait for the first kiss of the New Year," I knew I was going to be with him.

As I crossed the city toward his house, I was excited to see him - butterflies and all. There weren't any cars on the road and I sailed through the lights, eager to have my kiss. As I walked up the dark porch toward his house, I realized that I really like this guy despite all my reservations. Rarely did I let people in - friends, sure...but guys had to work a little harder. I've never known why that is. Could be that I spent a year and a half pining after a "taken" man before admitting defeat and pursuing others...and by pursuing I mean giving up.

I walked into his house and he was there, laying on his futon watching "Lord of the Rings" (which, clearly, should have been a sign), and I laid down right next to him, his arms wrapping around me and allowing me to drift off to sleep. I don't know how long I was like that, but I felt comfortable enough to completely lose myself in his arms. At one point, still partically asleep and overly groggy, we stumbled to his room and, fully clothed, I crawled into bed and fell asleep. I remember him taking a big whiff of my hair - he always loved how it smelled, even after a long day - and whispered, "Night baby."

His snuggling technique should be patented. His 6-foot-tall frame and long arms wrap around, making you feel completely protected and loved. Normally, with anyone else, I wouldn't want to fall asleep like that. I like my space - a lot. But with him, it was different. I laid there for a while, listening to his light breathing on my ear until it became heavy and I drifted off, too, waking only as the sunlight began streaming through the blinds.

Never did I think I'd become so addicted to those snuggles that I would let a doomed relationship continue long past its expiration date. But it's not the relationship, it's the routine that became important, as a friend would say. Snuggles were part of my routine...and late at night, as I fall asleep, the pain is worst of all, missing those arms and light breath. Guess that's why sleep is becoming less and less likely.