I just completed my application for the New Mexico Fellows Program for Summer 2009. I have applied to work with the Economic Development Department, and I want it so bad! It's perfect for me - writing, research, editing and developing promotion materials for their many programs. I will send it all off tomorrow, and then wait to hear until probably the end of April. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
This week is the week of my 25th birthday, which is super exciting (because I love birthdays) and scary (because I'm halfway to 50). OMG. I know.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Love Me Like You Mean It
I love live music.
I mean, I seriously love live music. I saw a singer/songwriter tonight at the Black Box Theatre in Las Cruces from Austin, Texas. Her name was Molly Venter and she had a unique sound about her. She travels all over to perform, in front of packed house and not-so-packed houses and still manages to have a passion for her music.
Live music is really about giving up a little of your life to someone for a just a few hours. I like it. I wish I was a musician.
I mean, I seriously love live music. I saw a singer/songwriter tonight at the Black Box Theatre in Las Cruces from Austin, Texas. Her name was Molly Venter and she had a unique sound about her. She travels all over to perform, in front of packed house and not-so-packed houses and still manages to have a passion for her music.
Live music is really about giving up a little of your life to someone for a just a few hours. I like it. I wish I was a musician.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Everything in moderation
Being obsessive-compulsive is something I struggle with every day. I have a way to do things that doesn't revolve around the norm. I kind of march to my own drum - the drum that misses one beat or seven every once in a while and leaves the rest of the band with incredulous looks on their faces, asking "who the f*** are you?"
Lately, this obsessive-compulsive behavior has had a different effect on my life. Instead of engaging in the typical organization-type behavior, I find myself unable to control even the simplest of urges. This could be related to my need to watch every episode of America's Next Top Model on a Sunday afternoon or my need to fulfill the extreme craving for a disgusting meal of Taco Bell or a delicious one at Mix Express. It's like, when I get a craving or an interest in something, nothing can stop me - not anyone else, or my conscience or the knowledge that I'm going to feel like shit afterward.
It is like this with the relationships I engage in, as well. When I get into one, it's like crack. I can't get enough, I have cravings that need to be satisfied and it leads me to believe that it will never be enough.
Then it is.
I break it off, get really sad, then crave it like crack again. It's a sickness...a way to completely undermine any decision I have actually made. My mom says you have to make a decision and then be confident enough in that decision to allow yourself the comfort in the outcome. I counter this with, "what if you're a complete psycho and incapable of making decisions that matter?"
I guess until I figure out a way to make decisions, then stick with them, I will continue being a part of the band line that misses a beat every once in a while, or throughout an entire performance. Either way, the decisions will have to wait until I regain some sort of composure.
Lately, this obsessive-compulsive behavior has had a different effect on my life. Instead of engaging in the typical organization-type behavior, I find myself unable to control even the simplest of urges. This could be related to my need to watch every episode of America's Next Top Model on a Sunday afternoon or my need to fulfill the extreme craving for a disgusting meal of Taco Bell or a delicious one at Mix Express. It's like, when I get a craving or an interest in something, nothing can stop me - not anyone else, or my conscience or the knowledge that I'm going to feel like shit afterward.
It is like this with the relationships I engage in, as well. When I get into one, it's like crack. I can't get enough, I have cravings that need to be satisfied and it leads me to believe that it will never be enough.
Then it is.
I break it off, get really sad, then crave it like crack again. It's a sickness...a way to completely undermine any decision I have actually made. My mom says you have to make a decision and then be confident enough in that decision to allow yourself the comfort in the outcome. I counter this with, "what if you're a complete psycho and incapable of making decisions that matter?"
I guess until I figure out a way to make decisions, then stick with them, I will continue being a part of the band line that misses a beat every once in a while, or throughout an entire performance. Either way, the decisions will have to wait until I regain some sort of composure.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Dark and twisty
Monday was hard. It was a day that held challenges in more ways than one. I fell into a funk - one that I couldn't come out of for a few days. Talking to a friend helped me realize that it's okay to be "dark and twisty" sometimes. It doesn't mean that I will forever feel the way I am feeling or that I'm depressed. Funks happen and they can happen for any number of reasons - boys, work, school, friends, anything.
I officially came out of my funk Saturday morning. I felt great...and still do, almost 48 hours later. I had an absolutely fabulous weekend of friends and family, watching movies, vegging out on the couch and spending a little time on me. I guess I just needed it in a lot of ways.
Now, I am going into one of the busiest weeks I will have this semester and I feel prepared for anything. I'm finally on the upswing and I can see dark and twisty falling behind me.
I officially came out of my funk Saturday morning. I felt great...and still do, almost 48 hours later. I had an absolutely fabulous weekend of friends and family, watching movies, vegging out on the couch and spending a little time on me. I guess I just needed it in a lot of ways.
Now, I am going into one of the busiest weeks I will have this semester and I feel prepared for anything. I'm finally on the upswing and I can see dark and twisty falling behind me.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Wondering
Last night, I sat cross-legged on the floor of my little brother's old room inside my childhood home in front of the bookshelf my dad made with his own hands. On the bottom shelf, there are 20 or so scrapbooks that my mom has crafted over the years, documenting family trips, reunions, birthdays, Christmas, vacations and graduations. I enjoy taking a trip down memory lane every once in a while, but this time, I became very emotional as I turned one of the scrapbooks toward the end.
This particular one documented a summer trip to Disneyland just a few months before I started my senior year of high school. Not only did I have killer legs (I'm telling you--it was the soccer), I was with Gilbert, the supposed love of my life. It went through the photos of us in Goofy hats, wearing "It's A Bug's Life" 3-D glasses and riding in mini red cars. There was one of us crashed out in the backseat of my parent's suburban.
As I sat there in the middle of the floor, tears poured down my face and I cried for all of the things I have lost in the past seven years - whether it was a family member, a friend or a first love. I guess it's normal to have these kinds of emotions every once in a while, but as I got up and slid the book back into its rightful place below the medical books my mom still keeps for reference, I couldn't help but shed a tear for a love lost and what might have been.
This particular one documented a summer trip to Disneyland just a few months before I started my senior year of high school. Not only did I have killer legs (I'm telling you--it was the soccer), I was with Gilbert, the supposed love of my life. It went through the photos of us in Goofy hats, wearing "It's A Bug's Life" 3-D glasses and riding in mini red cars. There was one of us crashed out in the backseat of my parent's suburban.
As I sat there in the middle of the floor, tears poured down my face and I cried for all of the things I have lost in the past seven years - whether it was a family member, a friend or a first love. I guess it's normal to have these kinds of emotions every once in a while, but as I got up and slid the book back into its rightful place below the medical books my mom still keeps for reference, I couldn't help but shed a tear for a love lost and what might have been.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Whirlwind Update
For my two readers:
1. The puppy is no longer in my care. Turns out, I am too busy to nurture a living being and she needed a little bit more attention than an adult dog. It was one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make because she was so sweet and caring and I just adored her. But she is living with a family in Rio Rancho who has kids and two other dogs for her to play with - I know she is being loved and entertained like I couldn't for her.
2. Broke up with the most recent guy I was dating(ish), but now we are talking again, so I don't know what will happen.
3. Weddings, weddings and more weddings...that's all I've been hearing about lately. And if ONE MORE PERSON tells me they are getting married, I'm going to jump off the Picacho Bridge. Or just get hammered.
4. School is kicking my ass. Wait, that's not true. The professor I'm working for is kicking my ass. It's one thing after another and I can't quite catch up or keep up with the demands.
5. I'm broke...like sell my kidneys broke. I need a lifestyle change and FAST.
6. My knee is no good anymore. I developed patellar tendonitis and have to wear a band around the knee and ice it twice a day since it hurts to put all my weight on it. Hopefully, someday, I will be a normal girl.
That's all for now... I will post again soon because I really miss blatantly talking about myself to those few who care to read.
1. The puppy is no longer in my care. Turns out, I am too busy to nurture a living being and she needed a little bit more attention than an adult dog. It was one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make because she was so sweet and caring and I just adored her. But she is living with a family in Rio Rancho who has kids and two other dogs for her to play with - I know she is being loved and entertained like I couldn't for her.
2. Broke up with the most recent guy I was dating(ish), but now we are talking again, so I don't know what will happen.
3. Weddings, weddings and more weddings...that's all I've been hearing about lately. And if ONE MORE PERSON tells me they are getting married, I'm going to jump off the Picacho Bridge. Or just get hammered.
4. School is kicking my ass. Wait, that's not true. The professor I'm working for is kicking my ass. It's one thing after another and I can't quite catch up or keep up with the demands.
5. I'm broke...like sell my kidneys broke. I need a lifestyle change and FAST.
6. My knee is no good anymore. I developed patellar tendonitis and have to wear a band around the knee and ice it twice a day since it hurts to put all my weight on it. Hopefully, someday, I will be a normal girl.
That's all for now... I will post again soon because I really miss blatantly talking about myself to those few who care to read.
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