Sometimes I find myself in this state. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, there is no hope for me to sleep, so I find myself becoming involved in a project. Most of the time, it’s cleaning…but since I spent the night last night writing and cleaning my apartment, it’s time for a blog.
This happens after I have had an entire day of stimulation – today I worked really early until really late, on deadline and swamped with writing all day. I had physical therapy for two hours and Corey (my therapist) started me on strengthening exercises that are far more tiring than the stretching I have been doing for the past five weeks. It’s like going to the gym in the middle of the day. Then I visited with my best friends over enchiladas, beer and reality TV, talking about our lives and laughing at the crazy people on TV. I just wrapped up an hour and a half conversation with my mom and it felt great to get a lot off my chest and have her tell me that things will work themselves out.
I honestly believe it, too. I have been struggling with a few things lately, namely people who turned out to be different than what I expected. Not good, not bad – just different. I began to question myself when I was with this person, which is never something I want to do. A long time ago, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t compromise myself for another and in a lot of ways, I feel like that’s what’s happening in this relationship.
I admit, a lot of how I am feeling stems from guilt that I feel and the problem I have with coming out and admitting that there is a problem. Most times, I feel myself begin to tell every one but the person that I am affecting the most about the issue, which backfires and often turns into more than what I originally intended.
I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is that I have come to a certain point in my life – a point of contentment. I am content in my life as it is now – the being busy most times, enjoying friends, new and old, school, work, meeting new people and having my own things that I love to do. My only fear now is letting down my guard long enough to give another person a shot at being what I need. In the end, that’s the only way to true contentment – being comfortable with yourself enough to truly give another person what there is of you, good or bad. I guess what I need is to know that this will happen – or whether I need to MAKE this happen for myself. Do you wake up one day and decide that you will be more flexible and stop finding fault in things long enough to make yourself vulnerable to another person? When is it right? How do you know? Does something just click?
Rhetorical questions to the universe.
And my mom says I look at the glass half full. A little over the year ago, I was looking at the glass half empty with someone chugging it. I am so happy to have come so far.
