Dark and twisty

Monday was hard. It was a day that held challenges in more ways than one. I fell into a funk - one that I couldn't come out of for a few days. Talking to a friend helped me realize that it's okay to be "dark and twisty" sometimes. It doesn't mean that I will forever feel the way I am feeling or that I'm depressed. Funks happen and they can happen for any number of reasons - boys, work, school, friends, anything.

I officially came out of my funk Saturday morning. I felt great...and still do, almost 48 hours later. I had an absolutely fabulous weekend of friends and family, watching movies, vegging out on the couch and spending a little time on me. I guess I just needed it in a lot of ways.

Now, I am going into one of the busiest weeks I will have this semester and I feel prepared for anything. I'm finally on the upswing and I can see dark and twisty falling behind me.

Wondering

Last night, I sat cross-legged on the floor of my little brother's old room inside my childhood home in front of the bookshelf my dad made with his own hands. On the bottom shelf, there are 20 or so scrapbooks that my mom has crafted over the years, documenting family trips, reunions, birthdays, Christmas, vacations and graduations. I enjoy taking a trip down memory lane every once in a while, but this time, I became very emotional as I turned one of the scrapbooks toward the end.

This particular one documented a summer trip to Disneyland just a few months before I started my senior year of high school. Not only did I have killer legs (I'm telling you--it was the soccer), I was with Gilbert, the supposed love of my life. It went through the photos of us in Goofy hats, wearing "It's A Bug's Life" 3-D glasses and riding in mini red cars. There was one of us crashed out in the backseat of my parent's suburban.

As I sat there in the middle of the floor, tears poured down my face and I cried for all of the things I have lost in the past seven years - whether it was a family member, a friend or a first love. I guess it's normal to have these kinds of emotions every once in a while, but as I got up and slid the book back into its rightful place below the medical books my mom still keeps for reference, I couldn't help but shed a tear for a love lost and what might have been.

Whirlwind Update

For my two readers:

1. The puppy is no longer in my care. Turns out, I am too busy to nurture a living being and she needed a little bit more attention than an adult dog. It was one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make because she was so sweet and caring and I just adored her. But she is living with a family in Rio Rancho who has kids and two other dogs for her to play with - I know she is being loved and entertained like I couldn't for her.

2. Broke up with the most recent guy I was dating(ish), but now we are talking again, so I don't know what will happen.

3. Weddings, weddings and more weddings...that's all I've been hearing about lately. And if ONE MORE PERSON tells me they are getting married, I'm going to jump off the Picacho Bridge. Or just get hammered.

4. School is kicking my ass. Wait, that's not true. The professor I'm working for is kicking my ass. It's one thing after another and I can't quite catch up or keep up with the demands.

5. I'm broke...like sell my kidneys broke. I need a lifestyle change and FAST.

6. My knee is no good anymore. I developed patellar tendonitis and have to wear a band around the knee and ice it twice a day since it hurts to put all my weight on it. Hopefully, someday, I will be a normal girl.

That's all for now... I will post again soon because I really miss blatantly talking about myself to those few who care to read.

A new member of the family

So I did it. It's done. I adopted a puppy.
She is a little special needs, since she is recovering from a broken leg and surgery to fix it. The leg will never be straight and she walks with a limp, but she is probably the sweetest, most lovable dog I have ever seen.
She was rescued from the Mesilla Valley Animal Services by From the Heart Rescue Center, a no-kill shelter in Canutillo, NM.
She had an upper respiratory infection and a broken front left leg, and it had been broken for two weeks. They performed surgery on her and she can walk around, run a little and play, but will walk with a limp for the rest of her life.
I have yet to name her, but I am deciding between Penny, Bella or Penny.

I am more nervous than anything to be a mom, which is totally what it feels like. I'm scared, plain and simple, but she needs a good home, so here I am.

It's a sickness...

...this obsession I have with Grey's Anatomy. Those people are my friends. Meredith is my sick, twisted big sister and McDreamy is the boyfriend I never knew I always wanted. I just watched the best Grey's episode which reminds me why I started watching Grey's in the first place.

Watch it.

The guy in every relationship

This article is exactly why I'm not ready for a relationship. Haha...came across it and thought I would share.

Silence the cynics.

Today was a day of firsts, and in honor of those firsts, I would like to say "God Bless America."

Congrats, President Obama!

Wound Up

Sometimes I find myself in this state. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, there is no hope for me to sleep, so I find myself becoming involved in a project. Most of the time, it’s cleaning…but since I spent the night last night writing and cleaning my apartment, it’s time for a blog.
This happens after I have had an entire day of stimulation – today I worked really early until really late, on deadline and swamped with writing all day. I had physical therapy for two hours and Corey (my therapist) started me on strengthening exercises that are far more tiring than the stretching I have been doing for the past five weeks. It’s like going to the gym in the middle of the day. Then I visited with my best friends over enchiladas, beer and reality TV, talking about our lives and laughing at the crazy people on TV. I just wrapped up an hour and a half conversation with my mom and it felt great to get a lot off my chest and have her tell me that things will work themselves out.
I honestly believe it, too. I have been struggling with a few things lately, namely people who turned out to be different than what I expected. Not good, not bad – just different. I began to question myself when I was with this person, which is never something I want to do. A long time ago, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t compromise myself for another and in a lot of ways, I feel like that’s what’s happening in this relationship.
I admit, a lot of how I am feeling stems from guilt that I feel and the problem I have with coming out and admitting that there is a problem. Most times, I feel myself begin to tell every one but the person that I am affecting the most about the issue, which backfires and often turns into more than what I originally intended.
I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is that I have come to a certain point in my life – a point of contentment. I am content in my life as it is now – the being busy most times, enjoying friends, new and old, school, work, meeting new people and having my own things that I love to do. My only fear now is letting down my guard long enough to give another person a shot at being what I need. In the end, that’s the only way to true contentment – being comfortable with yourself enough to truly give another person what there is of you, good or bad. I guess what I need is to know that this will happen – or whether I need to MAKE this happen for myself. Do you wake up one day and decide that you will be more flexible and stop finding fault in things long enough to make yourself vulnerable to another person? When is it right? How do you know? Does something just click?
Rhetorical questions to the universe.
And my mom says I look at the glass half full. A little over the year ago, I was looking at the glass half empty with someone chugging it. I am so happy to have come so far.

Break is over

So school starts Jan. 14, and I have yet to accomplish the things I was supposed to accomplish over the break. In addition, I have $290 worth of books to buy this semester, which is about $200 more than I am used to spending! Add to that the $600 in hospital bills, I am a little strapped for cash.

These days, I am used to working at the Bulletin full time, so it's going to be hard to get into another routine. This semester, I am taking Comparative Politics with Dr. Harvey, Organizational Communication in the Comm department and Law and Sex with Dr. Baker. I am really excited about this semester and I resolve to work ahead of time on all the projects I will have to do at the end of the semester so I don't have another weekend of 36 hours of work straight.

New Year's Resolutions

Well, it's day one of 2009. It's going to be a big year for me. Hopefully, there is a movie in my future, a change in career and a new degree to be proud of. There is so much I want to do this year - and my life is the better for it. Here are a few of those:

1. I want to run a half marathon before the year ends - which begins with actually being able to run.
2. I want to find direction and work toward a rewarding career.
3. I want to save $5,000 this year and pay off my credit card.
4. I want to make plans to travel and stick with it - even if it's just a weekend away.
5. I want to graduate with a 4.0.
6. I want to approach problems with an open mind and open heart and realize people make mistakes, including myself.
7. I want to blog more - at least once a week.

Cheers to 2009, my friends!