The list

In a conversation with a good friend this morning, he suggested I make a list of the things I want in a guy. I do believe the advice he gave me was: "By this point, you need to break down exactly what you want from a relationship. You are too old now for nonsense."

Point taken. Jeff, here you go.

My list:

*1. Intelligent (or has the ability to carry on an intelligent conversation)
*2. Not so hippie that I can't take him home to my shotgun-toting dad.
*3. In tune to my need for space and having my own life; he should
have HIS own life and friends, too.
4. The ability to "go with the flow" whether it's out at a club or a
night, quiet game night in.
5. Doesn't make inappropriate comments to me (some flirtation is okay,
but dirty has a time and place).
6. Eclectic taste in movies, music, interests, etc.
7. Has a job or a degree or an idea of what he wants to do with his
life (and it has to be at least reasonable)
8. Ability to manage money (not frugal, but smarter than me).
*9. Great sense of humor - not gross, but sarcastic and a tad on the
"picking on me" side.
*10. Can't be a pussy - has to be able to stand up to me and tell me
what I need to hear, when I need to hear it.
11. Taller than me...
12. Not obsessed with his body image (this is a must), but would be
willing to run with me or go for a walk or hike every once in a while.
13. Can appreciate the merits of camping one weekend and city hopping
the next - I have a balance, so I want him to, too.
14. Physically proficient and giving...in the sack.
*15. Gets along with my friends and recognizes the need to have
"girl's nights" every once in a while, but could feel comfortable
around them, as well.

*Indicates a "dealbreaker"

Is this what panic looks like?

Last night, I looked in the mirror for a long time, studying my face and pointing out the flaws to myself. I have the typical college student's bags under my eyes, the flecks of mascara under my eyes from being a little groggy while studying and the small scab on my chin from nervously picking at a problem zit. Not exactly attractive, I was thinking. But this isn't the face of someone who has their shit together - no sir. This is the face of someone who, in less than two months, could be living in a storage unit. This is the face of panic.

Now, I'm trying not to exaggerate, but I can't help but feel an extreme sense of panic when I look that far into the future. In my head, the year is laid out in a calendar format. There are two rows of months, all nice and neat and ready to be lived. Normally, I can see all the months and the occasional big dates stick out at me - various weddings, family trips and the day school starts...but starting at the end of May, the two months in between then and the fall semester are completely blank. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. There are options floating around out there, but until I hear back from a few of them, I'm left in the cold and staring down the barrel of a dark summer.

As I get closer and closer to the end of the semester, motivation is getting thinner and thinner. Not sure what will pull me out of the dark hole, but until then, it's procrastination and panic.

Contagious as a monkey

I've finally contracted the cold that everyone in my life seemed to have last week and now, in one of the busiest months I will ever have, I am sick as a dog and getting progressively worse. It started Sunday with a sore throat and continued Monday. I thought if I stayed home from class Monday afternoon, I would nap and take some Vitamin C and feel better this morning. No such luck.

Since then, I have a REALLY sore throat and now, to go along with it, I have a runny nose and a hacking cough. I don't smoke - I swear! If I don't feel better tomorrow morning, it's off to the Student Health Center to get some cheap doctor advice and hopefully nip this bug in the bud.

On a lighter note, the cold was probably caused by minimal sleep during a stellar birthday week. I celebrated with family and friends and truly feel loved by all of them. I L-O-V-E LOVE birthdays!

What the future holds

I just completed my application for the New Mexico Fellows Program for Summer 2009. I have applied to work with the Economic Development Department, and I want it so bad! It's perfect for me - writing, research, editing and developing promotion materials for their many programs. I will send it all off tomorrow, and then wait to hear until probably the end of April. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

This week is the week of my 25th birthday, which is super exciting (because I love birthdays) and scary (because I'm halfway to 50). OMG. I know.

Love Me Like You Mean It

I love live music.

I mean, I seriously love live music. I saw a singer/songwriter tonight at the Black Box Theatre in Las Cruces from Austin, Texas. Her name was Molly Venter and she had a unique sound about her. She travels all over to perform, in front of packed house and not-so-packed houses and still manages to have a passion for her music.

Live music is really about giving up a little of your life to someone for a just a few hours. I like it. I wish I was a musician.

Everything in moderation

Being obsessive-compulsive is something I struggle with every day. I have a way to do things that doesn't revolve around the norm. I kind of march to my own drum - the drum that misses one beat or seven every once in a while and leaves the rest of the band with incredulous looks on their faces, asking "who the f*** are you?"

Lately, this obsessive-compulsive behavior has had a different effect on my life. Instead of engaging in the typical organization-type behavior, I find myself unable to control even the simplest of urges. This could be related to my need to watch every episode of America's Next Top Model on a Sunday afternoon or my need to fulfill the extreme craving for a disgusting meal of Taco Bell or a delicious one at Mix Express. It's like, when I get a craving or an interest in something, nothing can stop me - not anyone else, or my conscience or the knowledge that I'm going to feel like shit afterward.

It is like this with the relationships I engage in, as well. When I get into one, it's like crack. I can't get enough, I have cravings that need to be satisfied and it leads me to believe that it will never be enough.

Then it is.

I break it off, get really sad, then crave it like crack again. It's a sickness...a way to completely undermine any decision I have actually made. My mom says you have to make a decision and then be confident enough in that decision to allow yourself the comfort in the outcome. I counter this with, "what if you're a complete psycho and incapable of making decisions that matter?"

I guess until I figure out a way to make decisions, then stick with them, I will continue being a part of the band line that misses a beat every once in a while, or throughout an entire performance. Either way, the decisions will have to wait until I regain some sort of composure.

Dark and twisty

Monday was hard. It was a day that held challenges in more ways than one. I fell into a funk - one that I couldn't come out of for a few days. Talking to a friend helped me realize that it's okay to be "dark and twisty" sometimes. It doesn't mean that I will forever feel the way I am feeling or that I'm depressed. Funks happen and they can happen for any number of reasons - boys, work, school, friends, anything.

I officially came out of my funk Saturday morning. I felt great...and still do, almost 48 hours later. I had an absolutely fabulous weekend of friends and family, watching movies, vegging out on the couch and spending a little time on me. I guess I just needed it in a lot of ways.

Now, I am going into one of the busiest weeks I will have this semester and I feel prepared for anything. I'm finally on the upswing and I can see dark and twisty falling behind me.

Wondering

Last night, I sat cross-legged on the floor of my little brother's old room inside my childhood home in front of the bookshelf my dad made with his own hands. On the bottom shelf, there are 20 or so scrapbooks that my mom has crafted over the years, documenting family trips, reunions, birthdays, Christmas, vacations and graduations. I enjoy taking a trip down memory lane every once in a while, but this time, I became very emotional as I turned one of the scrapbooks toward the end.

This particular one documented a summer trip to Disneyland just a few months before I started my senior year of high school. Not only did I have killer legs (I'm telling you--it was the soccer), I was with Gilbert, the supposed love of my life. It went through the photos of us in Goofy hats, wearing "It's A Bug's Life" 3-D glasses and riding in mini red cars. There was one of us crashed out in the backseat of my parent's suburban.

As I sat there in the middle of the floor, tears poured down my face and I cried for all of the things I have lost in the past seven years - whether it was a family member, a friend or a first love. I guess it's normal to have these kinds of emotions every once in a while, but as I got up and slid the book back into its rightful place below the medical books my mom still keeps for reference, I couldn't help but shed a tear for a love lost and what might have been.

Whirlwind Update

For my two readers:

1. The puppy is no longer in my care. Turns out, I am too busy to nurture a living being and she needed a little bit more attention than an adult dog. It was one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make because she was so sweet and caring and I just adored her. But she is living with a family in Rio Rancho who has kids and two other dogs for her to play with - I know she is being loved and entertained like I couldn't for her.

2. Broke up with the most recent guy I was dating(ish), but now we are talking again, so I don't know what will happen.

3. Weddings, weddings and more weddings...that's all I've been hearing about lately. And if ONE MORE PERSON tells me they are getting married, I'm going to jump off the Picacho Bridge. Or just get hammered.

4. School is kicking my ass. Wait, that's not true. The professor I'm working for is kicking my ass. It's one thing after another and I can't quite catch up or keep up with the demands.

5. I'm broke...like sell my kidneys broke. I need a lifestyle change and FAST.

6. My knee is no good anymore. I developed patellar tendonitis and have to wear a band around the knee and ice it twice a day since it hurts to put all my weight on it. Hopefully, someday, I will be a normal girl.

That's all for now... I will post again soon because I really miss blatantly talking about myself to those few who care to read.

A new member of the family

So I did it. It's done. I adopted a puppy.
She is a little special needs, since she is recovering from a broken leg and surgery to fix it. The leg will never be straight and she walks with a limp, but she is probably the sweetest, most lovable dog I have ever seen.
She was rescued from the Mesilla Valley Animal Services by From the Heart Rescue Center, a no-kill shelter in Canutillo, NM.
She had an upper respiratory infection and a broken front left leg, and it had been broken for two weeks. They performed surgery on her and she can walk around, run a little and play, but will walk with a limp for the rest of her life.
I have yet to name her, but I am deciding between Penny, Bella or Penny.

I am more nervous than anything to be a mom, which is totally what it feels like. I'm scared, plain and simple, but she needs a good home, so here I am.