Future

Numerous web searches on a number of sites have lead me to this place. A place I'd like to call: Panic.

It started with a harmless search for a job for a friend on the State of Colorado website. Then, a visit to the State of New Mexico's website confirmed the same news: hiring freeze.

Until now, all the talks about "recession" and "poor economy" and "deficit" were just terms - unrelated to me and those around me. I have a job. My best friends have jobs. They aren't struggling in the "down" economy. But it all became real when I looked at my life just six months from now.

In six months, I will be gearing up to graduate - taking comprehensive exams and finishing up a research project based on the experiences of my summer fellowship - and I will probably have that nagging sensation that somehow, someway, I should have a plan. It's already beginning to come to fruition in my planner brain (that which I cannot help). I've always had a plan. Even when I graduated the first time, I had a plan to enter a bright and shiny career in journalism. Initially, the career didn't come, but I only had to wait two months for two stellar job offers to come my way - unheard of for someone as green and "just out of school" as me. I didn't freak out because I had a waitressing job to fall back on should I ever need it, and it never occurred to me that this would ever be "unacceptable."

Now, I look forward a bit to that six month mark and I wonder what I'm going to do with a "bad" economy like this. Now, the recession is hitting closer and closer to home. Friends who are overly qualified for a number of jobs are applying to be assistant managers at Wal-Mart and others are struggling to find even temp work. Still others are taking teaching positions that pay peanuts in order to make ends meet.

All this stirs up the rumblings of a panic attack.

My mom is constantly telling me things will be fine - which is obviously what moms do - and she claims things will all fall into place for me in the end, like they always have. But I have come to question this logic. In some ways, I've been lucky to achieve what I have achieved. In other ways, I have a long way to go before truly becoming "successful." It starts (and ends) with the degree I've worked for the past three years (off and on) and setting myself up to maneuver into the next step.

With the next six months of my life planned (almost) to the day, what lies beyond is almost too much to comprehend. "Luck" and "circumstance" aside, there isn't much I know. Except uncertainty. And that's just what I fear the most.

Day One

Well, here I am. In Santa Fe at my new digs, which is inside the New Mexico Film Office and Museum in Downtown Santa Fe. Literally 10 steps away from the Rail Runner station and only a five-minute walk from the Plaza. Across the street (where I spent my lunch break) is a little cafe inside a shopping center that has all of these little cutesy boutique shops that have handmade clothes, European jewelry and just about everything I can't really afford. Oh, and they have a Borders...which is good since I have (in one day between the train and lunch) read 120 pages of my book that I started this morning. I might need many more than I brought.

Rewind.

I'm in Santa Fe for the Governor's Fellowship, which has allowed me a 10-week fellowship with the state department of my choosing. For this, I chose the Economic Development Department, which oversees new industries in the state as well as various other endeavors such as the New Mexico Film Office. Originally, the EDD had assigned me to the Spaceport Office in Las Cruces, which they informed me of the morning of the fellows orientation on Thursday afternoon...a mere three hours AFTER I moved all of my stuff into Lauren and Staci's apartment in Albuquerque and only one day after packing and loading everything I possess into a storage unit less than a mile from the apartment that used to be mine. In other words, going back to Las Cruces was NOT an option. After a mild panic attack for this new revelation...I kindly (but firmly) informed the woman in charge that I had moved to Albuquerque for this opportunity and that I couldn't return any time soon, since there was nothing to return to (aside from my smelly brother's couch...and that's just not an option).

So, this morning after I woke up at 5 a.m. (after not getting much sleep last night - anxiety mixed with fear of not waking up in time), and drove to the Rail Runner station (which is only TWO MINUTES from my house), I was on my way on the one hour, 10 minute journey that is the trek to Santa Fe. I showed up when I was supposed to at the Montoya Building (really close to the train station) and met a few of the other fellows that will be working in the EDD (five altogether). Three of us showed up and I was (again) informed that I would be in the Las Cruces Spaceport office. I said "No, that should have been worked out," and they confirmed with the Cabinet Secretary that I was speaking the truth, and the three of us were ushered into our respective offices. However, my office was Downtown in the NM Film Office, which was scary at first and a relief thereafter. The train stops JUST 10 STEPS AWAY FROM MY BUILDING!

I spent most of the morning researching the Film Office and the duties and responsibilities they have to production companies and those locals who want to become employed with the film industry in New Mexico. The opportunities are endless! The office casual, but professional and so far, the people have been extremely polite and helpful. I have yet to find out what project I will be working on, but I'm sure that will happen soon.

The whole point of this fellowship experience is to find enough information to write a research project that has to do with policy implications of film in New Mexico. My work here will hopefully open the doors to all of this information and allow me to develop a research question and paper idea on how New Mexico works to promote its budding film industry and the ways in which the public can be involved in these efforts. Hopefully I will find out soon what will occupy my time for the next 10 weeks, but until then, it's email letters to my friends.

Oh, and did I mention how the weather is fabulous? No wonder people live in Santa Fe...it's actually COOL in the SUMMER. Unheard of everywhere else in New Mexico (especially Cruces). I'm going to find it awfully difficult to return to the blazing heat in August. Lord, help me, but I'm hoping to remain a Santa Fe girl.

Wedding Madness

So, today I was thinking about all of the weddings I have been to in the past five years or so, and I wanted to make a list (since I have four coming up in the next two years, as well).

Here goes:

1. Daniel and Stephanie (in Iowa - top 3 best weddings)
2. Kenny and Amanda (from Cracker Barrel - had to sit at the "singles" table with thre others...)
3. Josh and Candice (from Cracker Barrel)
4. Carlos and Elaine (cousin)
5. Josh and Ginnie (friend from high school)
6. Isaac and Sarah (friend from high school)
7. Tessa and Josh (friends from high school)
8. An almost wedding in Hawaii (which I'm counting, since we still went to the reception)
9. Andrea and Joe (friend from grad school - top 3 best weddings)
10. Theresa Jo and Chris (cousin - I was in this one with 12 other bridesmaids)
11. Heather and Isaac (sorority and pledge sister)

And coming up soon...
1. Ed and Darby (friends from college)
2. Jake and Jodi (friend from grad school)
3. Jessica and Kenny (friend from college - going to be top 3 best weddings)
4. Kelsey and Adam (sorority sister and family member)

I think there are more, but I just can't remember at the moment...I like weddings, but COME ON, PEOPLE! Just kidding, Jess...I have high hopes for yours. :o)

The list

In a conversation with a good friend this morning, he suggested I make a list of the things I want in a guy. I do believe the advice he gave me was: "By this point, you need to break down exactly what you want from a relationship. You are too old now for nonsense."

Point taken. Jeff, here you go.

My list:

*1. Intelligent (or has the ability to carry on an intelligent conversation)
*2. Not so hippie that I can't take him home to my shotgun-toting dad.
*3. In tune to my need for space and having my own life; he should
have HIS own life and friends, too.
4. The ability to "go with the flow" whether it's out at a club or a
night, quiet game night in.
5. Doesn't make inappropriate comments to me (some flirtation is okay,
but dirty has a time and place).
6. Eclectic taste in movies, music, interests, etc.
7. Has a job or a degree or an idea of what he wants to do with his
life (and it has to be at least reasonable)
8. Ability to manage money (not frugal, but smarter than me).
*9. Great sense of humor - not gross, but sarcastic and a tad on the
"picking on me" side.
*10. Can't be a pussy - has to be able to stand up to me and tell me
what I need to hear, when I need to hear it.
11. Taller than me...
12. Not obsessed with his body image (this is a must), but would be
willing to run with me or go for a walk or hike every once in a while.
13. Can appreciate the merits of camping one weekend and city hopping
the next - I have a balance, so I want him to, too.
14. Physically proficient and giving...in the sack.
*15. Gets along with my friends and recognizes the need to have
"girl's nights" every once in a while, but could feel comfortable
around them, as well.

*Indicates a "dealbreaker"

Is this what panic looks like?

Last night, I looked in the mirror for a long time, studying my face and pointing out the flaws to myself. I have the typical college student's bags under my eyes, the flecks of mascara under my eyes from being a little groggy while studying and the small scab on my chin from nervously picking at a problem zit. Not exactly attractive, I was thinking. But this isn't the face of someone who has their shit together - no sir. This is the face of someone who, in less than two months, could be living in a storage unit. This is the face of panic.

Now, I'm trying not to exaggerate, but I can't help but feel an extreme sense of panic when I look that far into the future. In my head, the year is laid out in a calendar format. There are two rows of months, all nice and neat and ready to be lived. Normally, I can see all the months and the occasional big dates stick out at me - various weddings, family trips and the day school starts...but starting at the end of May, the two months in between then and the fall semester are completely blank. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. There are options floating around out there, but until I hear back from a few of them, I'm left in the cold and staring down the barrel of a dark summer.

As I get closer and closer to the end of the semester, motivation is getting thinner and thinner. Not sure what will pull me out of the dark hole, but until then, it's procrastination and panic.

Contagious as a monkey

I've finally contracted the cold that everyone in my life seemed to have last week and now, in one of the busiest months I will ever have, I am sick as a dog and getting progressively worse. It started Sunday with a sore throat and continued Monday. I thought if I stayed home from class Monday afternoon, I would nap and take some Vitamin C and feel better this morning. No such luck.

Since then, I have a REALLY sore throat and now, to go along with it, I have a runny nose and a hacking cough. I don't smoke - I swear! If I don't feel better tomorrow morning, it's off to the Student Health Center to get some cheap doctor advice and hopefully nip this bug in the bud.

On a lighter note, the cold was probably caused by minimal sleep during a stellar birthday week. I celebrated with family and friends and truly feel loved by all of them. I L-O-V-E LOVE birthdays!

What the future holds

I just completed my application for the New Mexico Fellows Program for Summer 2009. I have applied to work with the Economic Development Department, and I want it so bad! It's perfect for me - writing, research, editing and developing promotion materials for their many programs. I will send it all off tomorrow, and then wait to hear until probably the end of April. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

This week is the week of my 25th birthday, which is super exciting (because I love birthdays) and scary (because I'm halfway to 50). OMG. I know.

Love Me Like You Mean It

I love live music.

I mean, I seriously love live music. I saw a singer/songwriter tonight at the Black Box Theatre in Las Cruces from Austin, Texas. Her name was Molly Venter and she had a unique sound about her. She travels all over to perform, in front of packed house and not-so-packed houses and still manages to have a passion for her music.

Live music is really about giving up a little of your life to someone for a just a few hours. I like it. I wish I was a musician.

Everything in moderation

Being obsessive-compulsive is something I struggle with every day. I have a way to do things that doesn't revolve around the norm. I kind of march to my own drum - the drum that misses one beat or seven every once in a while and leaves the rest of the band with incredulous looks on their faces, asking "who the f*** are you?"

Lately, this obsessive-compulsive behavior has had a different effect on my life. Instead of engaging in the typical organization-type behavior, I find myself unable to control even the simplest of urges. This could be related to my need to watch every episode of America's Next Top Model on a Sunday afternoon or my need to fulfill the extreme craving for a disgusting meal of Taco Bell or a delicious one at Mix Express. It's like, when I get a craving or an interest in something, nothing can stop me - not anyone else, or my conscience or the knowledge that I'm going to feel like shit afterward.

It is like this with the relationships I engage in, as well. When I get into one, it's like crack. I can't get enough, I have cravings that need to be satisfied and it leads me to believe that it will never be enough.

Then it is.

I break it off, get really sad, then crave it like crack again. It's a sickness...a way to completely undermine any decision I have actually made. My mom says you have to make a decision and then be confident enough in that decision to allow yourself the comfort in the outcome. I counter this with, "what if you're a complete psycho and incapable of making decisions that matter?"

I guess until I figure out a way to make decisions, then stick with them, I will continue being a part of the band line that misses a beat every once in a while, or throughout an entire performance. Either way, the decisions will have to wait until I regain some sort of composure.

Dark and twisty

Monday was hard. It was a day that held challenges in more ways than one. I fell into a funk - one that I couldn't come out of for a few days. Talking to a friend helped me realize that it's okay to be "dark and twisty" sometimes. It doesn't mean that I will forever feel the way I am feeling or that I'm depressed. Funks happen and they can happen for any number of reasons - boys, work, school, friends, anything.

I officially came out of my funk Saturday morning. I felt great...and still do, almost 48 hours later. I had an absolutely fabulous weekend of friends and family, watching movies, vegging out on the couch and spending a little time on me. I guess I just needed it in a lot of ways.

Now, I am going into one of the busiest weeks I will have this semester and I feel prepared for anything. I'm finally on the upswing and I can see dark and twisty falling behind me.