Take Two

Man, it's been a while since I've even visited this site, much less posted on it.

There have been changes, to say the least. Friends have changed. Significant others have changed (and for the better). And I'm beginning a new career in a little more than a week.

Writing won't be as big of a part of my life anymore, but hopefully that will mean more blog posts and creative writing for myself, not anyone else.

So sit back, enjoy and enjoy the Journey.

2:20:11

More than three years ago, I started on a journey to run a half marathon. Armed with my friends from work, a new pair of running shoes from a specialty store, and some new workout clothes, I tried to run every day, at least a little bit. This was fall--and at one point, I was up to more than five miles a day. Then the holidays happened. Training went by the wayside.

The next year, around August, I started getting back into it. I suited up, began jogging, and building each week on the week before. I got into soccer, playing in Las Cruces, using it to get my stress out from being in graduate school and serving as a teaching assistant.

On October 22, 2008, I ditched my Wednesday night class (after bribing my TA to count me there by telling him I would attend that week's lab) and I suited up for my soccer game. With 10 minutes left in the game, I went on a break away down the field, stopped, changed directions, and POP, then stars...I knew something was wrong when I couldn't walk or move. All I could do was cry. It was the worst it could be: a torn ACL and Meniscus, and my soccer career was over for the time being--and so was my hopes of running a marathon anytime soon.

I underwent surgery on November 20, 2008, and began physical therapy shortly thereafter. Recovery was slow, and in April the next year, the pain wouldn't go away--it was constant. I received my first Cortizone shot that month, and kept working toward increasing my activity levels. It wasn't until August that I started really feeling like I could get back into my usual routine, joining my friend's boot camp class and playing soccer again. Running wasn't something that I was getting into.

It wasn't until after my degree was finished, my research project turned in, and I was packed and moved 200 miles north to Albuquerque that I realized what I wanted to do and what I wanted to achieve. Not only was losing weight a huge factor for me, so was working toward my original goal of running longer than a 5k.

I started with the Margarita 5k, then went on to the Zoo Run 5k, and finally, ran my first 10k with the Albuquerque Little Theater. Then, I set my sights on the Duke City Half Marathon, and I started building toward it.

The longest run I did before the race was nine miles along the Bosque on a Monday afternoon about three weeks before the race. The next week, I tapered off and was only able to do a 4-mile run and a 2-mile run. I'll admit it: I was nervous to run the race. Even up to the night before, I wasn't sure I could actually do it.

That morning, I woke up, ate a banana, and headed to the start on Civic Plaza. There were so many people! I ran around the plaza, did some warm-up agility drills to get my muscles going, then headed inside to keep warm.

I started the race strong--too strong. I ran at about a 9-minute pace for the first two miles, which would bite me in the ass later in the race. I sailed through the next eight miles, but at mile 10, I hit a wall. I literally didn't know how I was supposed to do the next 3.1 miles. The last two miles were around a 13- or 14-minute pace--awful for me. But, when I came around the corner on the last block, and I saw my friends Jane and Megan standing there, cheering me on, I picked it up and finished strong.

My time was 2:20:11....and I'm so proud to say that I've done a half marathon. What's next? I'm not sure. But guaranteed I'm not done with the challenges...fixed knee or not.

What do you want to do?

I was asked this question tonight by someone that I have the utmost respect for--it came right after this person said, "You have a master's degree in government--why don't you use it?"

It started me thinking. What AM I doing? What do I want to do? Am I content to just work, doing what I know rather than what would challenge me?

Anyway, I've struggled with this for a few months. I'm a little up in the air on all of this. Kinda crazy. Am I wasting it?

Thoughts don't come together as well these days... I need to start writing my thoughts out. Might help make sense of it all.

Settling In

As I woke up this morning to face the day, things seemed a little brighter. Quite literally. I woke up to a blanket of snow on the ground and that sound the winter makes - the sound of complete silence. As I slipped out of the warm confines of my bed, I felt things kind of fall into place. I felt, for the first time in a while, like I belonged somewhere.

When I first moved here, I didn't go through the homesickness - except when I got the call that S didn't want to be with me anymore and he didn't know why. Only then did I really long for my friends, my mom, and a cold beer with the people that could tell me he was a waste of my time.

I thought of him today and how I felt about him. It's sad to look back now and realize we were never quite right for each other. Despite that, I miss the companionship I felt with him, although that feeling came far to late to really make a difference in the relationship.

As I woke up this morning, though, and went through my day, planning my routes and errands to get ready for the biggest trip I will take this year, I felt GOOD being here in this city, whether or not it's 300 miles from home or 1,000. I chatted with someone very important to me from Las Cruces, and though I miss being a daily part of their lives, I realized how much I love getting to meet new people and be a part of something just a little bigger than I've been before. I'm just enjoying what ABQ brings to my life.

So, for now, I'm home. The Duke City is home to me...and it's nice to come back after a break from it, and I'm excited to see what it will bring in the future.

Riding the Waves

In just one short week, me and the Costa Rica Ladies Club will venture to the shores of Jaco Beach (shown in the picture), where we will have fun in the sun, drink till the sun comes up, and watch our fabulous friends, Adam and Kelsey, tie the knot in a sunset ceremony.

Waking up at 5:30 a.m., we will hop on board a U.S. Airways flight to Phoenix at 8:35 a.m., where we will connect to plane heading for San Jose, Costa Rica, about two hours from Jaco. In the capital city, we plan on painting the town to celebrate the beginning of our eight-day vacation... Then on Tuesday, it's off to Jaco--and a whole week of fun!

These ladies are my partners in crime (forgive me for posting a crappy pic--I promise I'm much thinner now!)



What makes me excited about traveling with these lovely ladies is the fact that they are so laid back and are excited about having a nice, relaxing time together! Can't wait for the adventures....stay tuned!

EasyTone

Looking at photos of myself last fall, I was overcome with sadness. I was in a relationship, feeling comfortable, and letting myself fall into a pattern of not going to the gym. My focus was on graduation, moving to a new city, working 35-plus hours, and trying to salvage a relationship that was doomed from the beginning. Needless to say, working out wasn't my main priority. And by the end of the semester, it showed.

My quest to get fit began with a class at CrossFit Albuquerque. I knew I wanted to do something, but wasn't sure that I could afford anything else on my salary. I attended a CrossFitters Anonymous free session, where they taught me the "proper squat" technique, and I was able to get my heart pumping again. By the end, I realized how truly out of shape I was, and I wanted to change it. A friend recruited me for the first CrossFit Boot Camp, which started that Monday, eight weeks ago. It was a bridal boot camp, which didn't bother me much, since I have weddings galore this year.

The week began--and I became pretty familiar with 5 a.m. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Day One was pretty simple, to be honest. I was worried that I had wasted the money on the class because it wasn't as hard as what I was used to. The second day tested me a little more, and by the third day, I was sore and really excited to be on the path to getting more fit. The first week really woke me up to what I was eating, which people say is 85 percent of the struggle to weight loss.

The next couple weeks, I replaced regular sugar with Truvia. I went to boot camp diligently, sometimes being the only one besides the instructor. I debated joining CrossFit to take my workout to the next level, but the $150/month price tag was just too much for me to handle. Then, a friend asked me to try L.A. Boxing, a boxing club less than a mile from work that had more than 48 classes a week from which to choose, from MMA Kickboxing, regular kickboxing, regular boxing, conditioning, and a gym within that entity. One class, and I was hooked. I signed up the next week, with a goal of going at least three times a week.

After the final week of boot camp, I felt great. I felt a difference in the way my clothes fit and the way I was feeling, and it has done nothing but carry me on. I haven't weighed myself since the last week of boot camp, but I'm confident it has been a great result. I've stuck with my commitment to go to at least three classes a week, and I've added playing on my soccer team every Sunday. Last week, I worked out six of seven days. This week will be the same. I need to stick with it.

Not only have I done that, I added a stability ball as my chair at work. It forces me to sit up straight and my back strength is SO MUCH better now. On Sunday of this week, I invested in a pair of the Reebok Easy Tone tennis shoes, and the first day I wore them, my booty actually ached at the end!

I leave for Costa Rica in two weeks, and I'm excited that I will feel relatively great in a bathing suit on the beach. Right now, it's been a great journey...

Blessed

Amid some of the negatives in life, sometimes we overlook the positive aspects and forget to say "thanks" to those that have made all the difference. So, to those I haven't acknowledged in my life lately, thank you for being my friends, family, and fabulous. I love you all.

Committed

AS life happens, sometimes writing (for fun) takes a back seat to papers, problems, moving, and other things that get in the way. Last night, I felt relief to know that I'm not the only one.

Last week, someone told me he enjoyed my blog. Someone that I didn't expect told me this. And to be honest with him, and myself, I miss it, too.

Last night, I received inspiration from Elizabeth Gilbert. Listening her talk to her new book, "Committed," not only was I inspired to write for fun, I was inspired in life. Her outlook makes is hard not to.

She talked about her painful divorce and how hard it was to trust another person with her heart again. She quoted Benjamin Franklin, saying, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut after." She talked about how people that marry under the age of 25 have an 85 percent divorce rate. Laughing, she said, "A 22-year-old hasn't been humbled or beaten down enough to handle marriage."

One thing that stood out to me was a question from an audience member about the part in "Committed" where Gilbert sits down and writes down a "seller's disclosure," as she put it. Writing down five faults "speaks to the difference between romance and marriage...strip away all those veils of illusion."

Well here are mine. Thank you, Elizabeth.
1. I'm picky.
2. I'm indecisive.
3. I have an unreasonable addiction to "Grey's Anatomy."
4. I don't always do what I say, but when I mean it, I do it.
5. I have a hard time committing...to a dog, a house, a job, or a relationship. But when I do, I'm there for the long haul.

Sunday Night Blues

There's the feeling again. The one that makes me a little sad to be saying goodnight to my roommates tonight. It's the Sunday night blues, and although I will only have them twice more this summer after tonight, I can't help but feel sad about having to make the trek to work in the morning. The weeks get a little longer every week, and I'm about ready to be back in Las Cruces, working and finishing my degree and staying more busy than I have been.

I miss my stuff and my friends there, although I don't know a lot of what is going on in everyone's lives.

I'm ready to get back and get into my active routine - running and going to the gym - so I can feel a bit better than I do now.

But most of all, I look forward to going back so that I can feel needed again...and so I can avoid the Sunday night blues.

Holy Cow

Per request, here is a post about my experience on the Railrunner:

Working in Santa Fe and living in Albuquerque poses its own unique set of challenges that aren't easily overcome - not knowing which restaurant will take you out back and beat you because of their OUTRAGEOUS prices, for one, or perhaps that your entire office lives here, and you're the odd one out - none of these are exactly easily handled. But one thing I haven't had to worry about is commuting, thanks to Richardson's GENIUS implementation of a mass transit rail system from Belen to Santa Fe and everywhere in between.

The first day I got up and dragged myself to the Los Ranchos/Journal Center rail station, I was as excited as a 5-year-old riding the bus for the first time...not positive on what to expect, but thoroughly enjoying it nonetheless. That first day, I managed to read 130 pages in my first "for fun" book of the summer, solidifying the love I have for mass transit where I don't have to fight my way through traffic, getting to work in a rush and as a big ball of stress. Instead, I could read, sleep, eat, enjoy my coffee and be exposed to the plethora of characters on the train.

The first was Derron, my "train friend," as I call him (although, he has since begun driving because he says it saves him an hour and a half). He was fun to chat with for the first few weeks of my adventure. After a week and a half, we settled into a nice routine of sitting in the exact same car, in roughly the same seats. He would bring the ABQ Journal and after he was done with a section, he would pass it to me. We would sit there, discussing the news of the day or the happenings on the previous night's "So You Think You Can Dance," of which both of us are avid watchers. Now, however, I mostly sleep in the mornings...

The (almost) first is the cute guy from my stop that gets on the same car as me and has these adorable glasses that he wears. But he has sat in the seat across from me and is NOT social in the least, instead sticking his ear buds in his ears and turning up his iPOD Touch. Derron and I had a bet on how old he is...I still haven't asked, but I'm almost positive I'm right (he has to be 23 and immature...what other reason is there for me to be attracted to him?).

One of the more interesting days I've had on the train recently was the time I sat next to a guy on a very full 4:10 p.m. train, looking over at his phone briefly only to read "More spanking, please...grr." Needless to say, I giggled at what he assumed was the book sitting open on my lap. It's amazing the characters you encounter.

Incidents happen often with the train, as well. Most recently, a train I wasn't on (Thank God) collided with a cow (which is a regular occurence) and broke a brake pipe. It had to be fixed and all the passengers were moved to another train. This delayed them two extra hours. A few weeks ago, Derron and I had just boarded the train and sat down when the conductor came on and said we would have to wait because there was a truck stuck on the rail down the road. But later we found out it wasn't just any truck, it was a Brinks security truck full of money... and its blown tire had caused it to roll over the tracks. That day, we boarded the train at 5 p.m. and deboarded at 7:30. It wasn't exactly a nice development...but much better than a derail.

The most recent debate I had about the train ride was whether I should invest in a neck pillow to make my "naps" a little more enjoyable...but I'm afraid a fanny pack will come next...and from experience watching Santa Fe tourists get on and off the train, I will never be that desperate for a hands-free purse option.

Another week on the train

I'm back in ABQ after a weekend in Deming/Las Cruces...and anxious for next weekend to roll around again. I'm SO not ready for a week of temp work.

My goal for the rest of the year is to update at least three times a week, no matter what. What's the point of having a blog if you don't use it? Plus, sometimes I just like telling stories, and that's what this is all about.

If there are things any of my two readers would like to read, let me know and I will try and oblige.

For now, I will leave you with this: Might be buying a truck in the next couple of weeks... More to come. Don't want to jinx it.

Night

Snuggles

The first night I stayed with S, it was the beginning of the New Year. Not just the beginning, but an hour after the clock struck midnight and my friends and I lit sparklers and listened to all the fireworks exploding across the City of the Crosses. After a sweet text from him that read "Can't wait for the first kiss of the New Year," I knew I was going to be with him.

As I crossed the city toward his house, I was excited to see him - butterflies and all. There weren't any cars on the road and I sailed through the lights, eager to have my kiss. As I walked up the dark porch toward his house, I realized that I really like this guy despite all my reservations. Rarely did I let people in - friends, sure...but guys had to work a little harder. I've never known why that is. Could be that I spent a year and a half pining after a "taken" man before admitting defeat and pursuing others...and by pursuing I mean giving up.

I walked into his house and he was there, laying on his futon watching "Lord of the Rings" (which, clearly, should have been a sign), and I laid down right next to him, his arms wrapping around me and allowing me to drift off to sleep. I don't know how long I was like that, but I felt comfortable enough to completely lose myself in his arms. At one point, still partically asleep and overly groggy, we stumbled to his room and, fully clothed, I crawled into bed and fell asleep. I remember him taking a big whiff of my hair - he always loved how it smelled, even after a long day - and whispered, "Night baby."

His snuggling technique should be patented. His 6-foot-tall frame and long arms wrap around, making you feel completely protected and loved. Normally, with anyone else, I wouldn't want to fall asleep like that. I like my space - a lot. But with him, it was different. I laid there for a while, listening to his light breathing on my ear until it became heavy and I drifted off, too, waking only as the sunlight began streaming through the blinds.

Never did I think I'd become so addicted to those snuggles that I would let a doomed relationship continue long past its expiration date. But it's not the relationship, it's the routine that became important, as a friend would say. Snuggles were part of my routine...and late at night, as I fall asleep, the pain is worst of all, missing those arms and light breath. Guess that's why sleep is becoming less and less likely.

Smell

At first, I couldn't quite figure out what attracted me to him.

S was, well, he was a player when I met him. He dated a couple girls at the same time, complaining to a mutual friend that one would find out about the other and both would get mad and break it off with him after which he would just start all over again. I could never figure out what attracted the sea of women that liked this tall, goofy, long-haired and carefree guy. Then again, I became enthralled by him myself.

I was dating someone else at the time - a guy who was kind, driven and, at first, admired the independent spirit I had in me. Slowly, however, I realized that the over-confident exterior that he showed to the rest of the world was just a cover for the insecurities he felt. He became far too clingy and before too long, I longed to be rid of the whiny behavior he began to display. Then S came around. He seemed like the perfect way to spend my Christmas vacation.

During finals week, we studied together, spending long nights at Milagro or International Delights where we would end up just talking and sipping coffee, getting to know each other's personality a little better. He was, by all intents and purposes, just the opposite of what I'd been looking for. He had drive, but he wasn't lethal about it - he didn't need to get to the top to be satisfied with his life. He studied too much, spent far too much time hitting the books, but managed to make time for his friends and swimming. It was intriguing how this aloof character could manage to hold my attention.

I can't seem to remember our first kiss. I don't know when it happened...I only remember it was in his driveway after I dropped him off from going somewhere, maybe a drink or happy hour. I never really thought about what that meant, but I did know at the time, it meant I liked this guy who played girls like the guitar he strummed those nights he hung out with his roommates. Not long after that first kiss, they became more frequent as he and I developed more than just crushes on each other. I discovered that the player ways came after he ended a long term relationship with a girl he lived with - more are a coping mechanism than an actual lifestyle.

Upon asking him later, he said he wasn't really "that guy" and just wanted to try it out for a while. It didn't really suit him, especially after getting caught so many times during the course of his escapades. I found out later that when we started dating, he called it off with every other girl he was seeing because I was different. I thought it was statements like this that kept me interested, made me think about him every day without fail, but as our relationship went on, I realized I would miss his smell most of all.

It wasn't a exactly a smell, per se, but more of an aura. My friend B called it phermones - the scent that attracts people to one another. I realized his was different after hanging out with another person whose smell was, to put it lightly, raunchy. Like he hadn't showered in a few days, even though I know he had good personal hygiene. With S, it was different. His smell was dangerous - like I couldn't resist it. He didn't wear cologne or aftershave, and he didn't use fruity bodywash or body spray that on commercials would make women melt. It was just...him. He smelled like a mixture of chlorine and soap - a scent that later would make me ache with missing him.

People say that a smell triggers a memory, but my memory doesn't need a trigger. It remembers all on its own.

Future

Numerous web searches on a number of sites have lead me to this place. A place I'd like to call: Panic.

It started with a harmless search for a job for a friend on the State of Colorado website. Then, a visit to the State of New Mexico's website confirmed the same news: hiring freeze.

Until now, all the talks about "recession" and "poor economy" and "deficit" were just terms - unrelated to me and those around me. I have a job. My best friends have jobs. They aren't struggling in the "down" economy. But it all became real when I looked at my life just six months from now.

In six months, I will be gearing up to graduate - taking comprehensive exams and finishing up a research project based on the experiences of my summer fellowship - and I will probably have that nagging sensation that somehow, someway, I should have a plan. It's already beginning to come to fruition in my planner brain (that which I cannot help). I've always had a plan. Even when I graduated the first time, I had a plan to enter a bright and shiny career in journalism. Initially, the career didn't come, but I only had to wait two months for two stellar job offers to come my way - unheard of for someone as green and "just out of school" as me. I didn't freak out because I had a waitressing job to fall back on should I ever need it, and it never occurred to me that this would ever be "unacceptable."

Now, I look forward a bit to that six month mark and I wonder what I'm going to do with a "bad" economy like this. Now, the recession is hitting closer and closer to home. Friends who are overly qualified for a number of jobs are applying to be assistant managers at Wal-Mart and others are struggling to find even temp work. Still others are taking teaching positions that pay peanuts in order to make ends meet.

All this stirs up the rumblings of a panic attack.

My mom is constantly telling me things will be fine - which is obviously what moms do - and she claims things will all fall into place for me in the end, like they always have. But I have come to question this logic. In some ways, I've been lucky to achieve what I have achieved. In other ways, I have a long way to go before truly becoming "successful." It starts (and ends) with the degree I've worked for the past three years (off and on) and setting myself up to maneuver into the next step.

With the next six months of my life planned (almost) to the day, what lies beyond is almost too much to comprehend. "Luck" and "circumstance" aside, there isn't much I know. Except uncertainty. And that's just what I fear the most.

Day One

Well, here I am. In Santa Fe at my new digs, which is inside the New Mexico Film Office and Museum in Downtown Santa Fe. Literally 10 steps away from the Rail Runner station and only a five-minute walk from the Plaza. Across the street (where I spent my lunch break) is a little cafe inside a shopping center that has all of these little cutesy boutique shops that have handmade clothes, European jewelry and just about everything I can't really afford. Oh, and they have a Borders...which is good since I have (in one day between the train and lunch) read 120 pages of my book that I started this morning. I might need many more than I brought.

Rewind.

I'm in Santa Fe for the Governor's Fellowship, which has allowed me a 10-week fellowship with the state department of my choosing. For this, I chose the Economic Development Department, which oversees new industries in the state as well as various other endeavors such as the New Mexico Film Office. Originally, the EDD had assigned me to the Spaceport Office in Las Cruces, which they informed me of the morning of the fellows orientation on Thursday afternoon...a mere three hours AFTER I moved all of my stuff into Lauren and Staci's apartment in Albuquerque and only one day after packing and loading everything I possess into a storage unit less than a mile from the apartment that used to be mine. In other words, going back to Las Cruces was NOT an option. After a mild panic attack for this new revelation...I kindly (but firmly) informed the woman in charge that I had moved to Albuquerque for this opportunity and that I couldn't return any time soon, since there was nothing to return to (aside from my smelly brother's couch...and that's just not an option).

So, this morning after I woke up at 5 a.m. (after not getting much sleep last night - anxiety mixed with fear of not waking up in time), and drove to the Rail Runner station (which is only TWO MINUTES from my house), I was on my way on the one hour, 10 minute journey that is the trek to Santa Fe. I showed up when I was supposed to at the Montoya Building (really close to the train station) and met a few of the other fellows that will be working in the EDD (five altogether). Three of us showed up and I was (again) informed that I would be in the Las Cruces Spaceport office. I said "No, that should have been worked out," and they confirmed with the Cabinet Secretary that I was speaking the truth, and the three of us were ushered into our respective offices. However, my office was Downtown in the NM Film Office, which was scary at first and a relief thereafter. The train stops JUST 10 STEPS AWAY FROM MY BUILDING!

I spent most of the morning researching the Film Office and the duties and responsibilities they have to production companies and those locals who want to become employed with the film industry in New Mexico. The opportunities are endless! The office casual, but professional and so far, the people have been extremely polite and helpful. I have yet to find out what project I will be working on, but I'm sure that will happen soon.

The whole point of this fellowship experience is to find enough information to write a research project that has to do with policy implications of film in New Mexico. My work here will hopefully open the doors to all of this information and allow me to develop a research question and paper idea on how New Mexico works to promote its budding film industry and the ways in which the public can be involved in these efforts. Hopefully I will find out soon what will occupy my time for the next 10 weeks, but until then, it's email letters to my friends.

Oh, and did I mention how the weather is fabulous? No wonder people live in Santa Fe...it's actually COOL in the SUMMER. Unheard of everywhere else in New Mexico (especially Cruces). I'm going to find it awfully difficult to return to the blazing heat in August. Lord, help me, but I'm hoping to remain a Santa Fe girl.

Wedding Madness

So, today I was thinking about all of the weddings I have been to in the past five years or so, and I wanted to make a list (since I have four coming up in the next two years, as well).

Here goes:

1. Daniel and Stephanie (in Iowa - top 3 best weddings)
2. Kenny and Amanda (from Cracker Barrel - had to sit at the "singles" table with thre others...)
3. Josh and Candice (from Cracker Barrel)
4. Carlos and Elaine (cousin)
5. Josh and Ginnie (friend from high school)
6. Isaac and Sarah (friend from high school)
7. Tessa and Josh (friends from high school)
8. An almost wedding in Hawaii (which I'm counting, since we still went to the reception)
9. Andrea and Joe (friend from grad school - top 3 best weddings)
10. Theresa Jo and Chris (cousin - I was in this one with 12 other bridesmaids)
11. Heather and Isaac (sorority and pledge sister)

And coming up soon...
1. Ed and Darby (friends from college)
2. Jake and Jodi (friend from grad school)
3. Jessica and Kenny (friend from college - going to be top 3 best weddings)
4. Kelsey and Adam (sorority sister and family member)

I think there are more, but I just can't remember at the moment...I like weddings, but COME ON, PEOPLE! Just kidding, Jess...I have high hopes for yours. :o)

The list

In a conversation with a good friend this morning, he suggested I make a list of the things I want in a guy. I do believe the advice he gave me was: "By this point, you need to break down exactly what you want from a relationship. You are too old now for nonsense."

Point taken. Jeff, here you go.

My list:

*1. Intelligent (or has the ability to carry on an intelligent conversation)
*2. Not so hippie that I can't take him home to my shotgun-toting dad.
*3. In tune to my need for space and having my own life; he should
have HIS own life and friends, too.
4. The ability to "go with the flow" whether it's out at a club or a
night, quiet game night in.
5. Doesn't make inappropriate comments to me (some flirtation is okay,
but dirty has a time and place).
6. Eclectic taste in movies, music, interests, etc.
7. Has a job or a degree or an idea of what he wants to do with his
life (and it has to be at least reasonable)
8. Ability to manage money (not frugal, but smarter than me).
*9. Great sense of humor - not gross, but sarcastic and a tad on the
"picking on me" side.
*10. Can't be a pussy - has to be able to stand up to me and tell me
what I need to hear, when I need to hear it.
11. Taller than me...
12. Not obsessed with his body image (this is a must), but would be
willing to run with me or go for a walk or hike every once in a while.
13. Can appreciate the merits of camping one weekend and city hopping
the next - I have a balance, so I want him to, too.
14. Physically proficient and giving...in the sack.
*15. Gets along with my friends and recognizes the need to have
"girl's nights" every once in a while, but could feel comfortable
around them, as well.

*Indicates a "dealbreaker"

Is this what panic looks like?

Last night, I looked in the mirror for a long time, studying my face and pointing out the flaws to myself. I have the typical college student's bags under my eyes, the flecks of mascara under my eyes from being a little groggy while studying and the small scab on my chin from nervously picking at a problem zit. Not exactly attractive, I was thinking. But this isn't the face of someone who has their shit together - no sir. This is the face of someone who, in less than two months, could be living in a storage unit. This is the face of panic.

Now, I'm trying not to exaggerate, but I can't help but feel an extreme sense of panic when I look that far into the future. In my head, the year is laid out in a calendar format. There are two rows of months, all nice and neat and ready to be lived. Normally, I can see all the months and the occasional big dates stick out at me - various weddings, family trips and the day school starts...but starting at the end of May, the two months in between then and the fall semester are completely blank. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. There are options floating around out there, but until I hear back from a few of them, I'm left in the cold and staring down the barrel of a dark summer.

As I get closer and closer to the end of the semester, motivation is getting thinner and thinner. Not sure what will pull me out of the dark hole, but until then, it's procrastination and panic.

Contagious as a monkey

I've finally contracted the cold that everyone in my life seemed to have last week and now, in one of the busiest months I will ever have, I am sick as a dog and getting progressively worse. It started Sunday with a sore throat and continued Monday. I thought if I stayed home from class Monday afternoon, I would nap and take some Vitamin C and feel better this morning. No such luck.

Since then, I have a REALLY sore throat and now, to go along with it, I have a runny nose and a hacking cough. I don't smoke - I swear! If I don't feel better tomorrow morning, it's off to the Student Health Center to get some cheap doctor advice and hopefully nip this bug in the bud.

On a lighter note, the cold was probably caused by minimal sleep during a stellar birthday week. I celebrated with family and friends and truly feel loved by all of them. I L-O-V-E LOVE birthdays!

What the future holds

I just completed my application for the New Mexico Fellows Program for Summer 2009. I have applied to work with the Economic Development Department, and I want it so bad! It's perfect for me - writing, research, editing and developing promotion materials for their many programs. I will send it all off tomorrow, and then wait to hear until probably the end of April. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

This week is the week of my 25th birthday, which is super exciting (because I love birthdays) and scary (because I'm halfway to 50). OMG. I know.